Dr Alexx Woods, ME
by takimiromy
Summary: Alexxcentric oneshots for 10 themes challenge on LJ. Newest Prompt: Hate. It starts with a small favor and ends with a large regret.
1. Being On the Other Side

**Title: **Being onthe Other Side  
**Character(s): **Alexx, featuring her boys  
**Rating: **PG  
**Summary: **_Alexx knows this scenario well._Prompt 4 – Fear.  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing and make no profit.  
**Warning(s): **Spoilers for Lost Son (S3), Nailed (S4), Man Down (S5) and Sunblock (S6).

* * *

The last thing she remembers is starting the autopsy. She recalls bagging some hair and preparing for the incision, but after that . . . 

She's on a stretcher – that much she can tell. Ryan is beside her, along with two paramedics. She wants to take the oxygen mask off and ask what's going on, but her arm feels too heavy to move. Her eyes flutter closed again. Ryan leans in close, whispering reassurances in her ear. "You'll be fine, Alexx. Just fine."

Alexx knows this scenario well. From Tim to Ryan to Eric . . . if one thing was certain, it was that her boys knew how to find trouble. She also knows the look in Ryan's eyes very well.

Worry. It was always there under the surface, ever since she had started working for Horatio Caine. It wasn't like her worry for Peter or Janie or Bryan. That was normal, motherly worry. That portion of her family didn't find themselves staring down the barrel of a gun on a semi-daily basis.

It started mainly with Tim Speedle, her Timmy. He had no family in Miami and spoke little of what family he did have. She found herself pulling him under her wings, caring for him like he was part of the family, part of _her_ family. Losing Tim was like losing her own flesh and blood. The hurt was raw and deep. Alexx felt like she would never recover – some days she thinks she hasn't yet.

The pain was still fresh when Ryan joined the team. She resisted him at first, thinking that by being distant and cold she couldn't get hurt again. But he called out to her, the same way Tim had. He looked like a grown man, but his eyes made her see the lost little boy. Her baby.

When she heard he'd been shot, her heart skipped a beat. She raced to the hospital, overcome of thoughts of 'last time.' He tried to act tough and brush her off, but Alexx would have none of it. She stayed put, barely suppressing a grin when he squeezed her hand just that bit harder when the nail was removed. She brushed his hair back, reassuring him, getting a weak smile in return.

Still, the apprehension remained. She continued to checkup on him; lecture him when he foolishly put his job over his health. He spurned her concerns at first, but she knew he'd come around.

Sometimes she blames herself for not noticing when he began to slip into his downward spiral. But her mind was on Eric – her other baby, who managed to survive a bullet to the head. When she first heard the news from Horatio, her heart jumped into her throat. _Please don't let it be Tim all over again._ She spent long hours at the hospital praying he'd be alright. When Calleigh brought up the possibility of memory loss, she had to push down the panic the welled inside her chest.

But Eric recovered remarkably and things seemed to be going back to normal. When Ryan called to tell her he was fired, she almost laughed. "You're joking, honey. Right?" But no, the desolation was real.

He stayed at her house the first few nights. They sat up talking long after the rest of her family had gone to bed. (Peter learned years ago with Tim not to question it when his wife brought one of her "boys" home. He just kissed her on the cheek and reminded her not to stay up too late.) They spent hours going over his job options and Alexx lectured him about turning to gambling to take the edge off. Secretly, she was relieved he hadn't turned to a more dangerous vice. After a few minor setbacks, her baby was on his way, slowly but surely, back into the fold.

She's so used to worrying, wondering if that next body isn't going to be one of them, if that next call isn't going to start out "I'm sorry . . ."

But as she's wheeled to the ambulance – Ryan hovering over her and looking like he's fighting back tears – she can't help but wonder if maybe they're scared of the same thing.


	2. Chances

**Title: **Chances  
**Character(s): **Alexx, her family  
**Prompt: **7 - Depression  
**Disclaimer: **I own nothing and make no profit.  
**Warning(s): **ANGST.  
**A/N:** The style's a bit different that I usually use. I hope it comes across okay. I also think my verb tenses may jump around in a few places – I can never quite tell.

* * *

The day started off cloudy, the heavy humidity threatening rain – so unlike the sunny, blue skies that usually greeted Miami in the morning. It was an unsettling feeling, the impending storm hovering just in the distance. Perhaps that should have been the first sign that the day would not turn out well. 

It was her day off. Between long shifts and the demands of motherhood, Alexx had been feeling rundown lately. With her superior's okay, she had assigned her work load to her fellow medical examiners and taken a few personal days to recharge.

Everything had seemed normal. After getting through breakfast with minimal fuss, she had kissed her husband goodbye and loaded the children into the car. After dropping Janie off at kindergarten, Bryan accompanied her to the grocery store. As much as she loved her career, Alexx reveled in the chance slip into the housewife routine. It was a thrill, pretending she had no other responsibility other than her family and home – no dead bodies, no office politics, no deadlines. She hummed to herself as she strapped the chattering toddler back into his car seat – even the gathering storm couldn't dampen her good mood.

xXx

Somewhere between afternoon naps and laundry was when the day took its turn towards the worst.

The pain was barely noticeable at first. A slight twinge when Janie jumped into her arms in front of the school, some discomfort as she cooked the kids' lunch. It wasn't she sat down to catch her breath that she allowed herself to notice just how bad the cramps had become. She blamed it on something she had eaten, thinking it just wasn't agreeing with her stomach.

When she went to the bathroom and saw the blood, she knew that just wasn't the case.

xXx

An early miscarriage.

That was what the ER doctor had informed her. Confirmed for her. She half-listened to his textbook explanations, already knowing them from her own medical studies.

She had been six weeks along. That she hadn't known.

She had always wanted a large family. She loved the feeling of being a mother. She and Peter had discussed adding to the family after Bryan was born. They had even considered trying a few months ago, but Alexx had just started to make a name for herself as a Miami-Dade County coroner and the time didn't seem right.

Apparently, this wasn't the time either.

The slight inappropriate humor behind the thought made the emotions bubbly up in her throat, though she couldn't tell whether it was a laugh or a sob trying to escape. Realizing the young doctor was still rambling at her bedside, Alexx politely dismissed him. He paused momentarily, but finally gave a slight nod before leaving her.

Alexx wasn't aware of how long she sat in the hospital room, huddled in the sterile white sheets and staring at the wall, lost in her thoughts. She felt guilty for the sadness and sense of loss that had enveloped her. How could she loose something she never knew she had? But she knew now and part of her was ashamed at being happy about it. Happy that she didn't know until after – she could only imagination of growing attached to that little life before taken away.

When Peter entered the room, he didn't hesitate to sweep her into his arms, hugging her as if it could stop the pain – though they both knew it couldn't. Only then, an irrational "I'm sorry" poised on her tongue, did she let the tears fall.

Outside the thunder crackled and the storm let loose, rain beating on the window pane.

xXx

In the years that followed, they tried again.

And again.

The loss had stirred something in her. She loved her children dearly, but she found herself yearning for the needed feeling that came with motherhood.

When Janie turned twelve, Alexx convinced herself that it just wasn't going to happen. Her chance was over.

xXx

His name was Tim.

She had been seen him around the lab more than once, but hadn't worked in close proximity with him until now. He had a slight unkempt appearance and Alexx had to temper the urge to straighten his collar and smooth down his hair. He was smart, though. She found his dedication and fascination with the science endearing. As he settled into the lab, a good portion of the people referred to him as "Speed", but to her, he would always be Tim.

He didn't seem to mind.

The more they worked together, the closer they grew. He opened up to her, confided in her about things she knew he'd never tell Calleigh, Eric or Horatio.

She found herself taking care of him. She gave him advice, invited him over for dinner, and lectured him. He weathered it all, no complaints, no demands to stay out of his business. Actually, he seemed to _like_ it.

When he drove that motorbike to work that first time, she gave him a look. He looked momentarily sheepish, but it disappeared quickly as he began to show off his new toy to Calleigh and Eric. Alexx just shook her head and demanded that he wore a helmet in her best no-nonsense tone.

It wasn't until she was walking away and heard Eric say something about "listening to mom" that it dawned on Alexx.

Maybe she didn't miss her chance after all.


	3. The Hands of Time

**Title: **The Hands of Time  
**Prompt:** Envy

* * *

It's one of those things that nobody ever thinks is happening to them. They think of it terms of _eventually_ and _later. _They rarely think of it in the here and now. Alexx didn't think about it much either.

Not until tonight.

It's a girls' night out. Calleigh, Natalia, and Maxine were going out for drinks and had invited her along. Now she's sitting in an overstuffed chair, sipping on an overpriced drink, feeling utterly out of place. The other three women sit to her right, squeezing together on a couch.

The pounding of the bass doesn't seem to bother them as they giggle into their fruity drinks and send flirty smiles to the good-looking men that walk past their corner. But the beat, just this side of too loud, is starting to give Alexx a headache and she wishes she could remember what the hell they're celebrating. At least, she's pretty sure they're celebrating.

Finally, one man is brave enough to step away from the pack, nearing them. He sidles up to Valera, his lips practically brushing her ear as he talks over the music. The DNA tech blushes, but smiles and nods in reply. She turns and looks at the others, a large grin on her face. "I'm gonna go dance, alright?"

Alexx contemplates letting Maxine go off by herself with a stranger, but before she can voice any negative opinion, Natalia and Calleigh are flashing encouraging smiles and saying 'see you later's.

As Valera stands, Alexx admires her dress and its plunging neckline. She could pull off something like that – fifteen years ago. Her hands unconsciously finger her modest neckline while she glances at Calleigh and Natalia's clothing. She uncrosses her legs and tucks her feet to the side, very aware of how her flats look next to the heels her companions are sporting. Suddenly, she feels downright dowdy.

After a few more minutes, two more men make there way over. They squeeze onto the couch by Calleigh and Natalia, but the two don't seem to mind. When they're invited to dance, Natalia readily agrees, but Calleigh hangs back.

She bites her lip, glancing between Alexx and the gorgeous brunet behind her. "Alexx . . ."

"Go have fun, honey." Alexx says over the music. "Dance a few songs."

"But I don't want leave you here alone."

"I'll be fine. I'm due for a trip to the ladies room, anyway."

Calleigh smiles and joins the others on the dance floor. Alexx watches her go, oddly reminded of a shopping trip with her daughter.

(_"Are you sure? I see them at school everyday. Didn't you want this trip to be, like, bonding or something?"_

"_Its fine, Jamie. Go to a few stores with your friends. I'll meet you at the food court in hour or so, okay?"_

"_Thanks, mom!")_

Shaking her head, she stands and makes her way to the bathroom. When she exits her stall, the room is surprisingly empty. The only other is occupant is leaning close to the mirror, reapplying her lipstick.

As she steps up to the sink, Alexx gets a better look at her companion. The girl barely looks legal, let alone 21, and she can't help but think of young girl she autopsied just last week, who was found dead outside a nightclub.

The girl inspects Alexx's reflection, peering at her from under too much makeup and too little clothing. She raises an eyebrow at Alexx and as she walks away, she gives a rude snort of laughter which Alexx knows she was meant to hear.

When the door swings shut and she's alone, Alexx raises her gaze to look in the mirror. To _really_ look.

For the first time, the girl that enchanted Henry isn't looking back at her.

This woman is a bit heavier and has a few more wrinkles. This woman isn't fierce and single – she's a mother of two and a devoted wife – and it shows. She wears sensible shoes because her feet ache after a long day at work. She dresses modestly and doesn't even consider chatting up the single men. She takes medication for her knee pain because kneeling over dead bodies is starting to catch up with her. She found a grey hair the other day.

This woman is _old_.

Suddenly, she wants to run out there, throw back a shot, pick a guy, and dance the night.

She wants the blithe attitude back.

She wants the stamina back.

She wants the natural beauty back.

She wants to see what Calleigh or Natalia or Maxine sees in the mirror.

She wants the youth back.

No, she wants _her _youth back.

_It may be a girls' night out, but you're not a girl anymore, honey. _With a sigh, she glances at her watch – an eighteenth anniversary present from Henry. (_Eighteen years. Where did they go?_) The night is young for her group, but for her, it's edging towards too late.

She finds Calleigh and murmurs a few apologies and excuses that are drowned out by the music. They hug goodbye and the blonde wanders back to the dance floor. Mobs of people are still trying to get into the club as Alexx leaves. She has to fight for a spot on the curb, but no one fights her for her taxi.

Brian and Jamie don't have school tomorrow, so they might still be up. It's been a while since her and Jamie have had a good talk. And she should get home in time to curl up and watch the late news with Henry.

As Miami's bright lights fade into suburbia, Alexx wonder's what that girl would think of her life now. Would she see it as boring? Unfulfilling?

It's not that she doesn't love her life – she truly does. But as the years pile on, she can't help but look at her younger counterparts on think _I want to feel that way again_ . . .


	4. To Be Desired

**Title: **To Be Desired  
**Prompt: **Lust  
**Warning(s): **infidelity, AU for mid/end season 4  
**A/N:** I've always seen Alexx and Ryan as having a mother/son relationship. That being said, I was completely surprised with this plot bunny. Hopefully you guys like it.

It starts as contempt.

It's much easier to ignore other feelings and focus on resenting him. Because Tim's gone and this kid thinks he can waltz in and replace Tim? _Her_ Tim? He has another think coming.

But he doesn't want to replace Tim; he just wants to do a good job. So as days turn into weeks turn into months, it lessens. Her resentment erodes away, bit by bit, like a sandcastle caught in the rising tide. Before she knows it, they've formed a friendship.

She knows him better than anyone at the lab. His other relationships can seem tumultuous, but not them. Never them. They're close. He can tell her anything and she feels safe confiding him.

That's how she got put on his emergency contact form. When Ryan gets shot with a nail gun, she's the first person that gets called. He's stabled when she get there, pulled from the verge of shock according to Eric.

He's awake and alert for the nail removal, desperately trying to put up a brave front. She holds his hand and squeezes back, just that bit harder. The wordless message he conveys with his one good eye makes her heart flutter and scares her at the same time.

The exchange goes un-discussed as he heals. It doesn't change their relationship, either. They still share lunches and go to each other with problems. Which is why Ryan sits on her examine table instead of going to a specialist when he starts having eye problems. She's flattered, even as she tells him he should see an optometrist friend of hers.

He gives her that half-smile and leans forward to pull the antibiotic prescription from her hand. She hold on tight. "Promise to make an appointment."

They're close. She staring into hazel eyes she knows so well, slightly scared of what she sees. His breath brushes her cheek as he gives her a chaste kiss and her hold loosens on the paper. "I promise, Alexx."

"Good." She steps back and he hops off the table.

As he walks out, she can still feel the tingle off his lips on her skin.

* * *

That tingle turns in a burn of embarrassment when her boss mentions the prescription she wrote for him.

She confronts him at his apartment that night, desperate to know _why_. "I went out on a limb for you, Ryan. How could you do this?"

"There's a mole in the lab, Alexx, I didn't –"

"Don't give me any of that bull. The only people that knew I wrote you a prescription were the two of us. Who am I supposed to think let it leak? It sure as hell wasn't me! I could've lost my job over something like this." Despite her best efforts, tears start to well in her eyes. "I feel like there's a knife sticking in my back and _you_ put it there."

"No, Alexx." He's looking at her, his eyes filled with so much _emotion_, a hand slowly gliding up her arm, up her neck, cupping her cheek. "I swear I didn't do it. It's this goddamn mole; I could_ never_ betray you like that. You mean too much to me."

She knows that look in his eyes, certain it's in hers as well. It's not love and certainly not something she's going to lose two decades of marriage over. But the want and desire and need are so _raw._ She hasn't felt this way in years. He pulls her closer, whispers, "Please."

She lets him kiss her. Losing herself in the swirling emotions and falling into something she knows she'll regret in the morning.

But that's then and this is now and Alexx can't think of anything except the emotions reflected in his eyes.

* * *

Henry, poor sweet Henry, doesn't suspect anything when she gets home late that night. He accepts her lie of consoling a recently divorced friend without question and she can feel the guilt bubble deep inside her.

* * *

Later that week Henry comes home beaming. He's excited; he got a promotion offer – better pay, better benefits, better hours. "There's one hitch: we'd have to go to California. The job's in San Diego."

"Take it."

"What? I mean, don't you even want to talk about it? Your career, the kids . . ."

"I'm sure they have coroners in San Diego and the kids will adjust. This is your once-in-a-lifetime chance, honey. I want you take it."

He pulls her close, murmuring thankyous and iloveyous. It's an easy out and she doesn't deserve it, but the alternative is too much to bear.

* * *

She says her goodbyes at the lab. Each friend is hugged in turn, each harder than the last. By the time she gets to Ryan, the tears are running freely. Except when she hugs him, the tears aren't just from sadness. There's regret, and guilt, and even some love mixed in.

Because she does love Ryan, just not like she should.

"Stay," he whispers into her hair, as he holds her close, their bodies touching for the first time since that night.

"Don't follow." It's part command, part request, but as they pull apart, she can tell that he understands.

It's want. It's desire.

But it isn't love.

And that's just not enough.


	5. The Second Temptation of Alexx

**Summary: **_It starts with a small favor and ends with a large regret._ (Prompt 6 – Hate) Companion to To Be Desired_.  
_**Disclaimer: **I own nothing and make no profit.  
**Warning(s): **infidelity

* * *

It's favor for a friend. That's all it is. That's all it's _supposed_ to be.

Horatio needs help, help from someone he trusts. Alexx is hesitant, but in the end she can't say no. Horatio has always been there for her over the years. She can't let petty personal issues get in the way of a friendship.

Besides, it's supposed to be simple. Go to Miami, complete the autopsy, and then fly back to San Diego. Easy come, easy go.

So she says yes_._

She doesn't count on Calleigh asking her to go for just one drink. Begging her to stay and visit for one night. She expected that her friendships from Miami would have faded with her year away, but as Calleigh looks at her with those hopeful eyes, Alexx knows nothing could change her feelings for these people.

So she says yes.

She finds herself lingering, smiling as the group recalls anecdotes and cases that had happened after she left. She listens as everyone eagerly tries to fill her in on the highlights of their year and the rest of table takes great care in correcting every last detail. Eventually, there are no stories left and people start to wander home.

Before she knows it, it's just her and Ryan sitting in the corner booth. Despite the ample room, they're both still in the middle, legs pressed together beneath the table. She didn't think about it much when they were surrounded by people, conversation, and noise. Now that it's just the two of them, that knee brushing hers is _all_ she can think about.

Suddenly she's back to before and all too aware of why she left – why she ran away. Apparently, _none_ of her feelings for Miami have changed.

There's an electric charge in the air and Alexx finds her herself aware of every small move Ryan makes beside her. Her heart skips a beat as his fingers brush against her. Thoughts are racing through her head – Henry back in San Diego is first and foremost in her mind – but Ryan is smiling that small, special grin, the one that he only gives to her and she's broken. He offers her a ride and her non-existent resolve doesn't make a peep.

So she says yes.

They hold hands on the walk to the car. The act is almost innocent in nature; no one gives them a second glance. She feels as if there should be more guilt, as if her betrayal should be in flashing neon above them as they trek through the parking lot. She tries to feel bad, _knows_ she should feel bad but nothing about this feels dirty.

There's no impatient gropes, no tearing at clothing or impassioned kisses. Ryan is behaving like the perfect gentleman as if this is some facsimile of a date.

_And maybe you want it to be_, a tiny voice whispers as they enter the elevator. They untwine their hands as one of Ryan's neighbors joins them. Alexx's conscience finally agrees to play along and she finds that she can't look the older gentleman in the eye. Instead, she stares resolutely at the highlighted numbers, her mind slightly distracted by Ryan's fingers ghosting across the small of her back.

Wordlessly, she follows him into his apartment. They stand in the same position they did nearly a year a before (_Was it a year? It feels like yesterday_.) and once again, Alexx finds herself lost in those hazel eyes. His hands slip around her waist, strong, assured, patient. He leans down, stopping short of her lips. "Are you sure?"

She knows she should be thinking of her family, of sweet, dependable Henry. But she's lost in the sensation of his arms. She can smell the slight chemical scent of lab, masked by sweat and cologne. She can feel the _desirewantneed_ rolling off of Ryan and can't stop her body from reciprocating.

So she says yes.

That's all he needs and his mouth is crashing down on hers. There's no rush, just a steady, intense wave that's building between them. He worships her with his hands and mouth and her body responds to the reverence. They finish together, shouts muffled by his mouth pressed against hers in desperation.

As they lay in a sweaty pile of limbs, reality finally sinks in. The guilt finally comes out of hiding. Her stomach churns and she's horrified by her actions. Her mind begins racing, _what have I done _repeating like a soundtrack to her thoughts. Beside her, Ryan's breathing evens out, post-coital slumber claiming him.

She slips out of the bed, her face burning with shame as she puts her clothing back on. She finds her phone in her purse, thrown carelessly on the coffee table. Sinking onto to couch, she flips the phone open. 'One New Message' blinks at her from the screen. Taking a deep breath, she pushes the 'call voicemail' button. After a few moments, Henry's – caring, loving Henry – voice filters through.

"Hey, honey. I wasn't surprised you didn't pick up. Didn't I tell you those kids would drag you out to reminisce? Don't worry about calling me back, just have fun and call me before you board your plane tomorrow. I'll pick you up from the airport. Love you."

_Don't worry about calling me back, just have fun. Love you._She thinks over the last few hours, observing herself, her actions. She thinks of Henry, sleeping soundly in their bed in San Diego, so absolutely sure that she's doing the same in a hotel that he doesn't even think to question it. She thinks of her children, the example she always tried to be for them and the type of house she always strived to raise them in. She thinks of her family the way she should have _before_ she fell into Ryan's arms and bed.

She hates Henry for trusting her so implicitly. She hates Ryan for having feelings for her. She hates that she wasn't strong enough to say no. But mostly she hates herself for what she's done. The tears begin to slip out, one by one, on their own accord.

Ryan comes up behind her, confusion on his young (_young, so very young_) face. "Is something wrong, Alexx?"

And she says yes.


End file.
